Outcast

Identifying as a succubus has always been a hard way to live. I now hide mostly behind the anonymity of the internet when I admit what I am. Very few people who currently know me in person as a human know what I really am.

This simple bit of information frightens people, and frightened people usually react by doing whatever they can to make themselves feel like they have power over me. This manifests as rejection, ridicule, anger, even hatred. As an empath and a being of love, these things are very difficult for me to handle. I just want to shut out the world and cry in a corner. As a warrior, I want to fight the thing that makes people feel this way, but there is nothing to fight, at least nothing tangible.

Of course I face these same problems online, but it is usually much easier to block them out in this setting. I could just concede and hide my true nature from everyone to make them feel better, but I need some outlet. I need to feel like I am doing something in defense of others like me facing the same problems. So, here I am.

I found this community of people in relationships with people like me. They call them sex spirits or spiritual lovers or whatever, but I have come to know them as being very similar to me. I have even had the pleasure of starting to communicate with one of these spirits recently, though our communication is very limited and our contact not very frequent. I also feel that the other succubi that I know (my direct spiritual family – mother and a couple sisters) are similar to these spirits as well.

In this community, I have seen many people sharing their thoughts and experiences with each other. It inspired me to become a part of it and even to start this blog where I can share my own thoughts and experiences. It has been a wonderful experience for me, at least until today.

Today, I got hit by the all too familiar feeling of rejection. There is a community site where a few of the people I have come to respect and one I have even gotten to know and love as a friend have openly recommended as a great place to join. (I will not mention the name of the site.) When I asked my friend about it, he indicated I would enjoy it there. So, I applied.

The application process involved a series of questions which I spent a good amount of time answering, being as open and sharing as possible. Afterwards, I anxiously waited several days for a reply from the site moderator. Today, I finally received that reply.

My application was rejected. The reason stated (paraphrased) is that I am not in a current relationship with a spirit lover. Apparently, that is an unstated requirement for being part of the community. I thought I found a place where I might actually fit in, a place where people might actually accept me even knowing what I am. All I got was another rejection – another person afraid of me for whatever reason.

Of course I should be used to all of this by now. It shouldn’t affect me anymore, and usually it doesn’t, but for some reason I invested myself in this one. I don’t really know why I did, but I did. So now I just feel awful. It is like there is some special place that I want to be, and my friends are there, but I am not invited.

I guess I am just feeling like the hope I have been building up since I discovered this new community of wonderful people finally reached a breaking point. Now I just feel lost again.

Sorry that this post is full of disappointment and self-pity. It is not my normal way of being, but it is how I feel today. I am forever an outcast.

11 thoughts on “Outcast

  1. zach

    Stay strong, humans cannot comprehend your beauty, I cast them away long ago, the friends I have now may be succubi but they’re better than anyone else and I wouldn’t trade them for anyone else.

    Reply
    1. Crystal Post author

      Thank you kind one. Do not disregard humans too easily. They are just as unique individuals as anyone else, and you cannot blame them all for the actions of some, or even many, of them. My beautiful lovers that I have united with in this life are mostly human, and I would not trade them for anything. I do not think I would be living this life if I was not meant to find a place among them. This is just another challenge for me along my path, and I will face it as I have every challenge before it.

      Reply
  2. Sean

    Awww, people can be cruel to what (in this case, who) they don’t understand! Just be you. *Your only limitations are the ones you place upon yourself.* hmm.. I’ve been told by a psi-vamp, that I don’t quite seem human, but she can’t figure out what I am. -sighs- anyways, if they send you hate, send back a warm, and loving smile. But, if I knew you in person, and I wish I did, I’d be there to defend you, ’tis a promise!

    Reply
  3. Mark

    That really was cruel of that moderator to reject your application. I see no good reason to do so. OK… so you’re not in a current relationship with a spirit lover or succubus; but, you ARE a succubus — incarnate, here in the flesh for us to interact with. Apart from your valued presence, alone, the gifts you would bring to the lives of those in that group by way of insights, viewpoints, perspectives, and a greater understanding of how succubi think and feel would be of priceless benefit to those who do have a lovely succubus as a companion. It is their loss, not yours, Crystal.

    Reply
    1. Crystal Post author

      Thank you for your thoughts as always, my friend. They have good reason to be picky about whom they accept into their community. They allowed someone to join in the past that caused them a lot of problems, and they are trying to prevent that from happening again.

      The unfortunate part is that they are allowing fear to rule their decision process instead of taking a balanced and thoughtful approach. I see it as similar to a person who is hurt by a relationship that then becomes fearful of getting into future relationships because of the possibility of being hurt, only in this case there is the possibility of many people being hurt. I personally believe that making decisions based solely in fear hurts everyone involved in the end, but I do understand and respect that they are trying to protect the ones they care about. Also, it is not my place to judge the way others live their lives or make their decisions.

      I was just upset that this particular community made a decision based on fear of me. I have always been feared simply for being very abnormal, and I do not want to live that way any longer. I also do not want to do as others in my situation have done and live my whole life in fear, hiding who I am. So far it seems like having both of those things is not possible, but I have never been one to give up on something.

      Reply
  4. Paul Raymond

    Hi there,
    I am a member of a particular forum that is centred around spirit companions and spirit sex.
    You don’t have to confirm or deny if I’m getting close with my description above.
    However, I have found that in this particular forum, a majority of the posts are by people who appear to have one spiritual partner.
    For the last couple of years, I have been having beautiful and intimate relationships with many different succubus lovers.
    Words cannot describe these wonderfully ecstatic and electrifying encounters.
    Back to the forum – one of their core members openly doubted my claims of having ongoing relationships with a multitude of succubus lovers, and even suggested that “it was probably not happening”.
    Anyway, my point is, that even those Groups (such as the one mentioned above) that have a common interest that is relatively unusual (in society’s eyes) have a tendency to be exclusive and judgemental to anybody who is not the same as them. So many of those forums end up going against their initial philosophy of being all-inclusive. Such hypocritical and judgemental attitudes can be very frustrating and depressing.
    Don’t let them get you down. You are not an outcast in my eyes.
    I am always here if you need somebody to talk to.
    Love, Paul x

    Reply
    1. Crystal Post author

      I am sorry to hear that you were treated that way. I have noticed that people generally do not believe in anything they have not experienced themselves or that is at least extremely similar to something they have experienced. For example, many people I have talked to do not believe that I can have multiple true love relationships at the same time because they have never experienced that. They assume that I must not truly love my lovers.

      I don’t know why so many are limited to only accepting things they can relate to, while at the same time are often willing to adopt religious beliefs purely on faith. I honestly try to not judge people based on their limitations. I have limitations of my own and hope that I also will not be judged by them. I acknowledge my limitations and try to not apply the same limitations to other people as they do to me. It is a confusing world, and I am just trying to understand it, to learn and to grow.

      Reply
  5. Paul Raymond

    Humans often become very defensive and eventually aggressive towards other humans who are different to them. These differences might range from such characteristics as tastes in fashion and music, to religion and the colour of one’s skin.
    Societies are often calling for equality and universal acceptance, yet the same societies have started wars agains other countries because of fundamental religious and political differences.
    You can imagine the types of reactions that “entities” such as you and I would experience if we were to announce to the world that we are what we are, and/or our lovers are who or what they are.
    Either way, we both should feel privileged and proud to be who and what we are.
    I hope that makes sense . . . it’s getting a bit late here in Australia.

    Reply
  6. Succunation

    Crystal,

    I am sorry that I did not see this thread and respond sooner. I knew that you were upset about that but not to the extent that you truly seem to be.

    I will e-mail you in a bit to talk with you more about it.

    Love always.

    Reply
  7. sexspirit1

    Crystal,
    I think I know the place you’re referring to. I used to post there, but only because there was no other board with good first hand info. I took what I needed, contributed what I could, and left.

    That is why we have our own little network. We don’t hide what we say behind closed forums where one must be a member just to read what’s there, or be even more “special” to view the hidden forum.

    It does no good to keep these things hidden. Anyone looking for first hand info on these beings will find it, or they can listen to the religious types and continue to fear them. Thing is, they will get the other side of the story. The religious types no longer have a monopoly on information or telling people what they can and can’t do.

    Reply
  8. Succunation

    Well, I can firmly attest to the ability to have multiple true love relationships. If there is one thing in the universe that is all powerful and unlimited, it’s love.

    Love is the only thing that I have ever heard a lady spirit (succubus) preach. Ever.

    Reply

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