Waiting Together for You

One of my wives has been working a terrible shift this month. My other wife and I hardly get to see her at all, but on Friday nights we wait up late for her, just to have a few moments together.

Here we are, keeping each other awake, keeping company. We hold each other in loving embrace, waiting for our love to arrive.

Time goes by… and we wait.

We talk about our days and about the random things that cross our minds as we fight the drowsiness. Most of all we talk about our love, for each other, and especially for the one that is missing, the one we are waiting for.

The hours pass… and we wait.

Hard to keep our eyes open, we talk more though we say less… doing what we can to stay awake. We start to wonder if our love will arrive or if she has already fallen asleep herself. We worry about the long hours she is working.

It grows later… and we wait.

We have been here so long, we cannot imagine giving up now. We kiss and caress each other, enjoying each other as we keep each other from drifting to sleep. We continue to hope that we will soon see our love.

… and we wait.

Resting against each other, each holding the other up. Talking softly in one another’s ears…

The door opens! Our love is home!

A last rush of energy flows through us from our excitement. We cling tightly to our love, the three of us in a loving embrace. Hugging and holding and kissing. She is so exhausted from her long day, but we are all so happy to finally be home together.

Our energy quickly fades after a few moments and we start to fade away. We waited so long for those few precious moments. It was more than worth the wait. Moments like these are moments that we never lose, the moments that define our lives.

Now we are off to bed, to sleep and dream together. I love you both so much.

The Good

As tends to happen when one finds themselves in a low place, they start moving up again. I have had a great deal of opportunity for introspection lately, and to correct things in my life that had gone off course. I feel now as though my lovers and myself are on our way to a better state. Things are changing in our lives, and the changes seem to be for the better.

Personally, I have freed up more time in my life to spend with my loved ones. One of the things that was really dragging me down was the feeling that I never had enough time for them. Time has a way of getting away from us in this life, but when we really stop and think about it, we have a lot more time than we realize.

Often, things seem important to us only because we have invested time into them and not because they actually benefit us or our loved ones in any way. It is difficult to separate ourselves from such things at first, but I have found that simply cutting myself off and making the thing hard to access (or in some cases someone else making it hard to access) helps me to move on. It takes a lot less time than we might expect to detach ourselves and get past the need to throw more of our time into the endless void.

In addition to having more time with my lovers, I have also reconnected with some old friends that were inadvertently cut out of my life due to lack of time. I have realized how much I have missed everyone, and it is wonderful to become a part of their lives again.

I really don’t regret anything that has happened. It has been a learning experience for me. Though it is a lesson I have learned before, I clearly needed a refresher. Now that my priorities are back in order, things are moving again. I am blessed by the patience my loved ones have for me, and I hope to test it much less in the future.

Also, I think I might even have time to revive this dormant blog of mine. Allow me some time to finish getting things back in order, and we will see what happens (of course still limited by whether I actually have anything to write about). Sorry for the long hiatus!

The Bad

I have many great things in my life. I have much to be thankful for and and I am blessed to have my lovers with me in this life. However, my state of mind tonight is one of pain and despair. I guess we can only have so much good before the bad takes a big swing at us.

Things in my life lately have been a roller coaster of ups and downs. I have always been an easy going person and as such have always managed to be removed from most of the drama going on everywhere. Now the drama has suddenly found me and I find myself too inexperienced to handle it.

I won’t go into any details for the sake of privacy, but it is enough to say that I have lost some people that I truly love over the past couple of weeks, with the last of them tossing me out tonight. I keep going over everything again and again trying to find my mistakes. If this was happening to someone else I would probably tell them something like “Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be, look at all these other good things you have going on.”

Honestly, I know that is probably true in my mind, but in my heart there is only this pain. I don’t want to lose these people. These are people that I love. I have so many fond memories of our time together. Why must good things always come to an end? Who made that stupid rule?

I find myself here now with the realization that it really has ended. All I can do is cry. I should be asleep right now, and for the past two hours I have tried to do just that. But here I am, still awake, still feeling so lost. I have never been one to give up hope. I cling tightly to it as if my life depended on it, but right now it just seems so hopeless.

I tell myself if I just sleep, I will see it with a new perspective tomorrow, and it won’t seem so bad anymore. Unfortunately I know that is a lie in this case. The hardest thing to deal with is this feeling that I have wronged them, that I have hurt them in some terrible way. If only I could understand what is wrong with me so that I could find a way to fix it.

I just want to run to my wives and lay in their laps crying, but it is so late now and they are asleep. Hopefully they are having sweet peaceful dreams. I am holding onto my thoughts of them right now. They are the closest thing to an anchor that I have in this terrible storm that is upon me.

To the people that I have wronged, I want you to know that my intentions were always to help and never to harm. I want you to know that I love you and will always cherish the time that we had. I am sorry for making a mess of things. I don’t know that any of you will read this, but I had to say it anyways.

To the rest of the world that reads my blog, I am sorry for being away from it for such a long time, and I am sorry that my first post after all this time is such a sad one.

Sex with Strangers

This is something that has been on my mind a while and causing me some internal conflict. So, I am just going to dump it all out here and see if it helps.

I am succubus, and as such I have a basic need to draw energy through sex and lust. I am also a polyamorous lover with several lovers, all of whom are my primary reason for living. My lovers are all more than happy to feed my hunger for sexual energy, but I have always had a hard time drawing any energy from lovers. We frequently have the most amazing sex I could ever imagine, and I would not trade those experiences for any other. My loves are all so amazing to me and fulfill my life in so many ways.

The problem I face is that the only time I can really feed and satisfy my succubus side is with strangers or people I am not very close to. Despite the fact that sex with strangers is usually not a very fulfilling experience sexually, it really does satiate my hunger. When I make a lover orgasm, I am filled with happiness and love, but when I make a stranger cum, I am relieved of my hunger and filled with energy. For some reason, I am not able to get both from the same source.

It started out as me not wanting to feed on lovers for fear of harming them. I later realized of course that my feeding does not really do any permanent damage to anyone, and became more willing to do it with lovers. The problem I found was that I was not able to do so even when I wanted to. This led me to the situation I am in now…

My work life has been very busy lately, and I have not had much time or energy for personal matters. I try to spend time with my lovers whenever I can, but usually I am completely exhausted and can do little more than lay beside them and talk for a bit before falling asleep. However, I still need to feed, so I have been going online and feeding on random strangers. Basically, I am making strangers cum and not my lovers. I feel as though I am neglecting my loves while at the same time basically sleeping around with people I don’t even know.

My lovers are very caring, patient and understanding, but I know they need me sexually. They try things and I want to participate, but the only time I usually see them is when I am going to bed and completely exhausted. Meanwhile, I am going and having sex with random people online. (It is just virtual sex, but it is enough for me to connect and feed. Most of my lovers are also online.)

So, how do I justify being too tired for sex with the people I care the most for while still seemingly able to find energy to have sex with strangers? This is the conflict I am having with myself. I am not sure what to do about it or how to handle it.

I don’t expect anything from anyone reading this. I just wanted to get it out to see if it helps (and also to write something on this blog which I have been neglecting). I wish the best to all of you, and I will be back with more the next time I am inspired to write.

Still Around

I haven’t said anything here recently, but I want everyone to know I am still here. I have not had anything I felt like writing about lately. Once I do, I will be sure to share. Until then, be well everyone and have some fun :)

Many Names

I recently participated in a discussion about names, and wanted to share my thoughts here. The topic was more specifically about why people with spirit lovers should not share the name of their lover, but went on to talk about names in general and their power.

I will start by identifying what I consider to be three categories of names. There are true names, private names and public names. Different types of names have different origins and there are different powers associated with each.

One thing to note is that no names are completely unique. To uniquely identify a person takes more than just their name. You also need an impression of that person, for lack of a better phrase. You need to know who that person is in addition to their name if you want to reach out to them spiritually.

First are true names. These are the names that are directly linked to our soul, or the piece of the source that each of us identify as ourself. I do not know how these names are assigned or where they come from. I just know that each of us has one and only one true name that never changes. It follows us through all of our lives.

A true name holds a lot of power. A true name expressed in its true form is combination of everything that identifies a person as an individual. These names cannot be directly translated to a single word in human language (obviously), but they can be represented by a single human name. By this, I mean that someone may have the translated true name “Lilith” in human language, and when combined with an impression of that person will form an actual true name. Of course millions of others might also have a true name that translates to Lilith, so without an impression, it is still meaningless.

(I like to use the name Lilith or Lily in examples because it is so incredibly commonly used as a public name for sex spirits and is therefore very ambiguous.)

The real power of a true name is that someone can use it to call out to you across dimensions, across time and space, anywhere you might be, and you will hear the call. It doesn’t matter what you are doing you will know if someone calls you by your true name, even if you do not know what your true name is (as most people do not while they are incarnated here). If they choose to, they can even forcefully summon your spirit to them and entrap it, provided you are not strong enough to resist them.

It is for this reason that you should never share your true name (if you know it) with anyone that you do not have absolute trust in and unconditional love for. Even then, only share it if there is a reason. More importantly, do not ever share the true name of another person. That is the greatest and deepest violation of trust in all of existence. The fact that a true name can never be changed means that someone who has it can use it forever to reach you, whether for good or for for bad.

Second is private names. These are the names that we either choose for ourselves or are chosen for us in some cases. A private name functions in a lot of ways similar to a human’s given name. A person will usually hear it if someone calls it, but may not notice if they are distracted enough. Calling it repeatedly will almost always get their attention.

Spirits in relationships with humans usually share a private name with their human lover. This allows their human lover to call out to them at any time. Like a true name, you can combine a private name with an impression of a person and call to them anywhere they may be. The differences are that you cannot force them to respond (though you could pester them a lot) and they may not hear you if they are severely distracted. Focusing and calling them again will usually get their attention though if the first time failed.

Other people’s private names should be treated with the same secrecy as true names. You should never share another person’s private name unless they expressly tell you to do so. It is up to each person to decide who they want to allow full access to contact them freely. Giving out a private name is similar to giving out a name and phone number. Only the phone it calls cannot be turned off or disconnected of left behind.

Last is public names. These are the names that we choose to expose to the world. You will not reach a person by their public name unless they are specifically listening for it. We use these names as a cover – a way to identify ourselves without exposing ourselves to every person who might want to contact us privately.

My public name is Crystal, which I freely share here and other places online. The most common public name (by a large margin) that succubi and other sex spirits seem to use is Lilith or Lily for short. I think I know why, as I am sure many do who know much about us.

The nice thing about having a public name is that everyone has something to call you by when they talk about you. They don’t have to make up a name to call you by or reference you in an unusual way (like I do with “my monster” who has yet to give me a name or even talk to me at all). It makes it easier to communicate and share with others.

So, that is a summary of my thoughts about names. Names are rarely as arbitrary as they seem, and they often hold a lot of power. We each have many names. Protect your names and the names of others.

To anyone with whom I have shared my “true” name with that is reading this: I have only recently realized the difference between a true name and a private name. I have also recently learned that what I was calling my true name is actually a private name that I have used for many life times and was shared with me in this life by my higher self. I am not actually certain what my true name is (I have a suspicion, but I am unsure if I want to investigate it). I just wanted to clear that up. I was not being deceitful; I simply did not know what I was talking about. I love you all!