I have many great things in my life. I have much to be thankful for and and I am blessed to have my lovers with me in this life. However, my state of mind tonight is one of pain and despair. I guess we can only have so much good before the bad takes a big swing at us.
Things in my life lately have been a roller coaster of ups and downs. I have always been an easy going person and as such have always managed to be removed from most of the drama going on everywhere. Now the drama has suddenly found me and I find myself too inexperienced to handle it.
I won’t go into any details for the sake of privacy, but it is enough to say that I have lost some people that I truly love over the past couple of weeks, with the last of them tossing me out tonight. I keep going over everything again and again trying to find my mistakes. If this was happening to someone else I would probably tell them something like “Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be, look at all these other good things you have going on.”
Honestly, I know that is probably true in my mind, but in my heart there is only this pain. I don’t want to lose these people. These are people that I love. I have so many fond memories of our time together. Why must good things always come to an end? Who made that stupid rule?
I find myself here now with the realization that it really has ended. All I can do is cry. I should be asleep right now, and for the past two hours I have tried to do just that. But here I am, still awake, still feeling so lost. I have never been one to give up hope. I cling tightly to it as if my life depended on it, but right now it just seems so hopeless.
I tell myself if I just sleep, I will see it with a new perspective tomorrow, and it won’t seem so bad anymore. Unfortunately I know that is a lie in this case. The hardest thing to deal with is this feeling that I have wronged them, that I have hurt them in some terrible way. If only I could understand what is wrong with me so that I could find a way to fix it.
I just want to run to my wives and lay in their laps crying, but it is so late now and they are asleep. Hopefully they are having sweet peaceful dreams. I am holding onto my thoughts of them right now. They are the closest thing to an anchor that I have in this terrible storm that is upon me.
To the people that I have wronged, I want you to know that my intentions were always to help and never to harm. I want you to know that I love you and will always cherish the time that we had. I am sorry for making a mess of things. I don’t know that any of you will read this, but I had to say it anyways.
To the rest of the world that reads my blog, I am sorry for being away from it for such a long time, and I am sorry that my first post after all this time is such a sad one.