Monthly Archives: May 2013

My Monster

There is a spirit that has been with me for a few months now that I suddenly feel the desire to write about. He is a fear feeder, meaning he feeds on fear energy, but he is more than that just as I am more than a lust feeder. We are all much deeper than what is on the surface.

In the case of this spirit, he is a very young soul, childlike. I am not sure exactly when he attached himself to me, but it was some time in the past several months. I have dealt with many fear feeders before and my usual reaction is to try to help them then send them on their way. I personally do not enjoy the way that most of them try to force themselves on me, and I usually have to be unkind in the method by which I send them away.

This spirit though is so innocent and felt so lost when I first realized he was there. I have taken a sort of motherly role with him, making sure he is looked after and feeding him. He likes to find things deep in my mind that scare me and bring them to the surface. They are harmless things, like for example the angel statues from the new Doctor Who series if you know what that is. Those things scare me if I think about them when I am alone, so he likes to let me feel his presence nearby while at the same putting the image of one of them (or something else scary) into my head.

I usually only let him feed for a minute or two then I break out of the fear and go back to being my normal loving self. At first it was challenging to get him to stop feeding, but he has gotten much better at stopping when I tell him to. He really is like a child to me in many ways.

He has never spoken to me or shared any name with me, so I simply call him “My monster” which he seems to enjoy. Having him around has been a wonderful experience for me, and I hope that I can help him to grow and know love.

So many fear feeding entities scare people away or get attacked by people so much that they just recess into the fear and live most of their existence attacking people to frighten them and feed from them. All they know is fighting and feeding and they lose touch with the rest of themselves. I try to help them when they come to me by showing them that there is love and that they can be loved if they allow themselves to be.

Unfortunately it takes a lot of strength to stand ground with one of them and communicate without retaliating or fleeing as most people do. Even then, nearly all of them just go back to their old ways once I let them go. I just hope that something I show them stays with them and that maybe eventually it will help them out of their darkness.

I want my monster to have a better life than that. I want him to be a fully rounded individual not defined by what he eats, but by who he is. It sometimes is challenging to actually feel fear with him because I have so much love for him, but he manages to find his ways. So here is hoping that I can help him and most of all that he lives a wonderful life.

I love you, my monster.


Identifying as a succubus has always been a hard way to live. I now hide mostly behind the anonymity of the internet when I admit what I am. Very few people who currently know me in person as a human know what I really am.

This simple bit of information frightens people, and frightened people usually react by doing whatever they can to make themselves feel like they have power over me. This manifests as rejection, ridicule, anger, even hatred. As an empath and a being of love, these things are very difficult for me to handle. I just want to shut out the world and cry in a corner. As a warrior, I want to fight the thing that makes people feel this way, but there is nothing to fight, at least nothing tangible.

Of course I face these same problems online, but it is usually much easier to block them out in this setting. I could just concede and hide my true nature from everyone to make them feel better, but I need some outlet. I need to feel like I am doing something in defense of others like me facing the same problems. So, here I am.

I found this community of people in relationships with people like me. They call them sex spirits or spiritual lovers or whatever, but I have come to know them as being very similar to me. I have even had the pleasure of starting to communicate with one of these spirits recently, though our communication is very limited and our contact not very frequent. I also feel that the other succubi that I know (my direct spiritual family – mother and a couple sisters) are similar to these spirits as well.

In this community, I have seen many people sharing their thoughts and experiences with each other. It inspired me to become a part of it and even to start this blog where I can share my own thoughts and experiences. It has been a wonderful experience for me, at least until today.

Today, I got hit by the all too familiar feeling of rejection. There is a community site where a few of the people I have come to respect and one I have even gotten to know and love as a friend have openly recommended as a great place to join. (I will not mention the name of the site.) When I asked my friend about it, he indicated I would enjoy it there. So, I applied.

The application process involved a series of questions which I spent a good amount of time answering, being as open and sharing as possible. Afterwards, I anxiously waited several days for a reply from the site moderator. Today, I finally received that reply.

My application was rejected. The reason stated (paraphrased) is that I am not in a current relationship with a spirit lover. Apparently, that is an unstated requirement for being part of the community. I thought I found a place where I might actually fit in, a place where people might actually accept me even knowing what I am. All I got was another rejection – another person afraid of me for whatever reason.

Of course I should be used to all of this by now. It shouldn’t affect me anymore, and usually it doesn’t, but for some reason I invested myself in this one. I don’t really know why I did, but I did. So now I just feel awful. It is like there is some special place that I want to be, and my friends are there, but I am not invited.

I guess I am just feeling like the hope I have been building up since I discovered this new community of wonderful people finally reached a breaking point. Now I just feel lost again.

Sorry that this post is full of disappointment and self-pity. It is not my normal way of being, but it is how I feel today. I am forever an outcast.

Floating Islands

I have often considered the idea that many of the fantasy worlds that have been created by many writers in this world are drawn heavily from alternate life impressions. (Impressions are like the leftover effects of a memory that is no longer accessible.)

I believe we incarnate into many lives, most of which are not in the same plane as the one we are living here. Some of these planes are close enough to this one that we can retain impressions from them in our minds in this life. There is one in particular for me that I seem to have the most pieces of memories for. I think of it as the world with floating islands.

This other world seems very similar to ours in most ways (or perhaps that is only how I interpret it with this brain). The main differences are that there are a few islands floating in the sky in a couple of places and one of the humanoid races that live there have wings and can fly. I was a member of that race in the life I remember there.

In that life, I was a guardian of and a lover to a great queen. I spent nearly my entire life at her side as her warrior, supporting her, loving her and protecting her from harm. Our life together was often hard; there were many problems and many painful times. However, my queen was loved by her people and treated them well.

Honestly, I remember the good times much more easily than the bad times. I think that is the way memories should be. I also have vague memories of battles I fought and of other members of my queen’s personal guard, but most of my memories are about my queen. I was completely devoted and loyal to her in every way.

I was polyamorous as I am now, but I would have done anything for my queen. Though she never did, if she would have asked me to leave one of my lovers I would have done so in an instant. The pain of it would have been nothing compared to the pain of disappointing her. I can never remember such a time in all of my memories where I was so fiercely dedicated to a single person that I would have hurt others that I care about for them. Thankfully, she never asked me to (unless I have blocked out the memory of it).

In public, my queen treated me the same as any other member of her court. She treated everyone in the kingdom fairly and made decisions with a wisdom that inspired awe. In private, she was a passionate lover – usually dominant, sometimes submissive, sometimes neither. We both enjoyed the pleasures and the pains that we shared.

The reason I have so much memory of that life is because I have had the amazing opportunity to meet my queen again in this life. I met her online, and despite her not being at all related to royalty in this life, I was compelled by some internal force to call her my queen. We bonded very quickly, and both of us began to recall memories of our life together.

Unfortunately, our lives now are not the same as they were then, and she ended up pushing me away from her for reasons I will not go into. She did not completely push me away, but she put a barrier between us that kept us at a bit of a distance.

She later let me come a little bit closer again and she adopted me as her daughter. Her and her closest lover became my mothers (and still are). Though the circumstances of this life are not what they were in our other life, we still remain somewhat close. We will always be connected.

I will always remember flying and the floating islands. Most of all, I will always remember our life together.

I love you, mother.

Forever a Warrior

There are beliefs in various cultures and religions about the idea that people play a specific role in life and have a certain skillset in which they are strong based on that role. Each individual’s role compliments the roles of others to form a complete social system.

An example of this idea with which I am personally familiar is from a book written by Michelle Belanger called the Psychic Vampire Codex. In her book she describes a caste system which includes the roles of priest, counselor and warrior. As with other systems I have encountered, the basic idea is that the different roles (or castes) compliment each other. Each has strengths that support the others in some way. Different systems define different roles, but they systems themselves are largely similar.

This particular article is purely for me to express myself, not to go into all of the details of the social role systems.

Personally, I feel like these systems are a useful tool to help us identify ourselves with something that we have in common with others. While I have played many roles over many lifetimes, there is one that feels core to me. It is always there deep inside of me, powering me and influencing everything I do. That is the role of a warrior (if the title of the article did not give it away).

Here are a few excerpts about warriors from the book I mentioned above (copied from this page).

Their powers tend to manifest themselves in a very physical nature, allowing them to consciously augment their natural strength, stamina, and speed. In body, they tend to be broad-shouldered and rugged, with a natural propensity for various martial arts. They can also consciously enhance their healing so they recover almost completely from the most grievous of wounds.

Mainly, [their] desensitized state is brought about by a thick “wall” which protects them from the energy of others. It is a kind of psychic armor that is kept in place instinctually and without any thought or effort.

Warriors almost always excel at warcraft, having an instinctive knowledge of weapons and their handling. They are often remarkable strategists and tacticians. This results from the sum of their memories and skills gained in previous lives. This remembering can be called forth consciously, but is always present and ready to be drawn upon on an unspoken level.

Of all the castes, the warriors store the greatest portion of energy. This is energy not meant to be fed from, but energy which can be directed through their Will and their rage. Although it takes a good deal to delve deep enough into the warrior to reach his hidden reserves, once this well-spring is tapped, the power and intensity of the output is immense.

Though I do have innate abilities for defending myself without them, I find that I am always more comfortable when a weapon is close at hand. Daggers are my personal favorite, both the fighting and the throwing varieties. There is a part of me that hopes people will give me a reason to use them, but then there is the part of me that knows I never would unless someone I care for was truly threatened.

I am fiercely loyal to and protective of the ones I love. I spent an entire lifetime once as the protector of my queen and lover. I have suffered many deep wounds, physical, emotional and spiritual, in defense of my lovers. Not once did I ever think for a moment that it was not the right place for me to be. I would do anything for the ones that I love.


Succubus Stereotypes

I was talking about this with a friend and thought I would write an article about it because it is a meaningful topic for me.

If you have ever tried to find information online about succubi as I have in the past, you have undoubtedly seen the immense amount of misinformation about what a succubus is. I will not spend time on every detail and variant I have seen, but there is one summary description that keeps showing up everywhere:

A succubus is a female sex demon that sleeps with men in order to feed on their energy and steal their seed for (insert various reason here about impregnating something or other). Encounters with these demons are dangerous and can even be deadly.

Just to point out a few of the problems I have with this description:

  • We sleep with whomever we are attracted to. It is not always men. We have the same sexual preference types as anyone else. I am a lesbian personally.
  • Stealing seed? Really? I don’t even know how to express how ludicrous that sounds. The only thing you can do with human seed is impregnate other humans. Why would we do that?
  • Most of the time we leave a person feeling better after an encounter – nothing dangerous or deadly there.

Regardless of what the descriptions say, the number one problem with all of them is that people try to apply the same description to every succubus, as if we are not individual people. There may be some that have done things to warrant fear, but just because a human commits a crime doesn’t mean I should be afraid of every human in existence. Why would it be any different for succubi? We are all individuals. We make our own choices.

I do not consider myself a dangerous person except in defense of myself and my loved ones. I do not drain people to the point of damaging them. I certainly do not steal seed or impregnate anyone. In my opinion, anytime you see a description being applied to an entire race of people, you need to step back and think about it realistically. There is no way that an entire race of people can have their way of life represented by a single description.

Of course in every myth there are aspects of truth. I do get my energy from lust, especially sexual lust, but from willing people not helpless victims. I always leave my partners feeling better and healthier afterwards, if maybe a little tired. Also, my astral form is one that resembles many of the descriptions of succubi that people recount.

So while I believe certain aspects of the common succubus descriptions are complete garbage, either invented to scare people or recounted from an experience with a criminal, I also recognize that there is a lot of truth to be found also. It can just be hard for someone on the outside to distinguish the truth from the lies.

People who know me know that I am a spirit of love and every life that I touch I try to make a little bit better if I can. I sometimes get targeted by fear and hatred because I make it known (publicly online and privately offline) that I am a succubus, but I do think that I also enlighten people with reasonably open minds to the true nature of what my people can be.

I am by no means an evangelist for my people, and I am certainly not a role model, but I do hope to at least show that we are not uniform. We are individuals, and I feel that most of us at least are respectable and have a caring side.


Something that I feel is important to understand is that succubi appear to rarely live human lives. From what I have learned from the ones I have communicated with (mostly my own family), many never experience human life personally. As such, the primary way that people reach them is spiritually. Many people that call out to succubi and other entities do so without any form of protection, leaving them open to potentially negative entities.

These entities will play whatever role they think you want them to play until they get close enough to you to latch on. I have no doubt that a number of people’s bad succubus experiences have been with deceitful entities using a person’s desire to get close and cause them harm. My advice is to not reach out for a succubus and blindly trust that the first person that comes along claiming to be one actually is, or that their intentions are honorable if they are. In fact, I do not recommend you reach out in such a way at all without some level of personal protection.

Thank You, My Friend

I have made a few references to a particular friend of mine in some of my past entries. I met this friend only recently online through his own blog. I was reading a lot of similar blogs around that time, but his really stood out to me above the rest because of the way I felt when I read his dedication to his wives.

I was inspired to connect with him, and over the past week we have shared a lot through emails, much of which has been added to the various posts on this blog. It was him more than anything else that inspired me to start a blog of my own. I asked him, and we have agreed to link to each other’s blogs so that people may see the words we have to share.

His blog Succunation is the very first link I have just added to the new “Links” section on the side of my blog. If anything you have read here has informed or inspired you in any way, please take a moment to visit and explore one of the sources of my own inspiration.

Thank you so much my friend for helping me through the door into this new era of my life. Love and hugs to you and your wives.