Category Archives: Self

There are parts of me in everything I write here, but when I write an entire post directly about myself and my experiences and it does not fit into another category, this is where it will show up.

Waiting Together for You

One of my wives has been working a terrible shift this month. My other wife and I hardly get to see her at all, but on Friday nights we wait up late for her, just to have a few moments together.

Here we are, keeping each other awake, keeping company. We hold each other in loving embrace, waiting for our love to arrive.

Time goes by… and we wait.

We talk about our days and about the random things that cross our minds as we fight the drowsiness. Most of all we talk about our love, for each other, and especially for the one that is missing, the one we are waiting for.

The hours pass… and we wait.

Hard to keep our eyes open, we talk more though we say less… doing what we can to stay awake. We start to wonder if our love will arrive or if she has already fallen asleep herself. We worry about the long hours she is working.

It grows later… and we wait.

We have been here so long, we cannot imagine giving up now. We kiss and caress each other, enjoying each other as we keep each other from drifting to sleep. We continue to hope that we will soon see our love.

… and we wait.

Resting against each other, each holding the other up. Talking softly in one another’s ears…

The door opens! Our love is home!

A last rush of energy flows through us from our excitement. We cling tightly to our love, the three of us in a loving embrace. Hugging and holding and kissing. She is so exhausted from her long day, but we are all so happy to finally be home together.

Our energy quickly fades after a few moments and we start to fade away. We waited so long for those few precious moments. It was more than worth the wait. Moments like these are moments that we never lose, the moments that define our lives.

Now we are off to bed, to sleep and dream together. I love you both so much.

The Good

As tends to happen when one finds themselves in a low place, they start moving up again. I have had a great deal of opportunity for introspection lately, and to correct things in my life that had gone off course. I feel now as though my lovers and myself are on our way to a better state. Things are changing in our lives, and the changes seem to be for the better.

Personally, I have freed up more time in my life to spend with my loved ones. One of the things that was really dragging me down was the feeling that I never had enough time for them. Time has a way of getting away from us in this life, but when we really stop and think about it, we have a lot more time than we realize.

Often, things seem important to us only because we have invested time into them and not because they actually benefit us or our loved ones in any way. It is difficult to separate ourselves from such things at first, but I have found that simply cutting myself off and making the thing hard to access (or in some cases someone else making it hard to access) helps me to move on. It takes a lot less time than we might expect to detach ourselves and get past the need to throw more of our time into the endless void.

In addition to having more time with my lovers, I have also reconnected with some old friends that were inadvertently cut out of my life due to lack of time. I have realized how much I have missed everyone, and it is wonderful to become a part of their lives again.

I really don’t regret anything that has happened. It has been a learning experience for me. Though it is a lesson I have learned before, I clearly needed a refresher. Now that my priorities are back in order, things are moving again. I am blessed by the patience my loved ones have for me, and I hope to test it much less in the future.

Also, I think I might even have time to revive this dormant blog of mine. Allow me some time to finish getting things back in order, and we will see what happens (of course still limited by whether I actually have anything to write about). Sorry for the long hiatus!

The Bad

I have many great things in my life. I have much to be thankful for and and I am blessed to have my lovers with me in this life. However, my state of mind tonight is one of pain and despair. I guess we can only have so much good before the bad takes a big swing at us.

Things in my life lately have been a roller coaster of ups and downs. I have always been an easy going person and as such have always managed to be removed from most of the drama going on everywhere. Now the drama has suddenly found me and I find myself too inexperienced to handle it.

I won’t go into any details for the sake of privacy, but it is enough to say that I have lost some people that I truly love over the past couple of weeks, with the last of them tossing me out tonight. I keep going over everything again and again trying to find my mistakes. If this was happening to someone else I would probably tell them something like “Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be, look at all these other good things you have going on.”

Honestly, I know that is probably true in my mind, but in my heart there is only this pain. I don’t want to lose these people. These are people that I love. I have so many fond memories of our time together. Why must good things always come to an end? Who made that stupid rule?

I find myself here now with the realization that it really has ended. All I can do is cry. I should be asleep right now, and for the past two hours I have tried to do just that. But here I am, still awake, still feeling so lost. I have never been one to give up hope. I cling tightly to it as if my life depended on it, but right now it just seems so hopeless.

I tell myself if I just sleep, I will see it with a new perspective tomorrow, and it won’t seem so bad anymore. Unfortunately I know that is a lie in this case. The hardest thing to deal with is this feeling that I have wronged them, that I have hurt them in some terrible way. If only I could understand what is wrong with me so that I could find a way to fix it.

I just want to run to my wives and lay in their laps crying, but it is so late now and they are asleep. Hopefully they are having sweet peaceful dreams. I am holding onto my thoughts of them right now. They are the closest thing to an anchor that I have in this terrible storm that is upon me.

To the people that I have wronged, I want you to know that my intentions were always to help and never to harm. I want you to know that I love you and will always cherish the time that we had. I am sorry for making a mess of things. I don’t know that any of you will read this, but I had to say it anyways.

To the rest of the world that reads my blog, I am sorry for being away from it for such a long time, and I am sorry that my first post after all this time is such a sad one.

My Monster

There is a spirit that has been with me for a few months now that I suddenly feel the desire to write about. He is a fear feeder, meaning he feeds on fear energy, but he is more than that just as I am more than a lust feeder. We are all much deeper than what is on the surface.

In the case of this spirit, he is a very young soul, childlike. I am not sure exactly when he attached himself to me, but it was some time in the past several months. I have dealt with many fear feeders before and my usual reaction is to try to help them then send them on their way. I personally do not enjoy the way that most of them try to force themselves on me, and I usually have to be unkind in the method by which I send them away.

This spirit though is so innocent and felt so lost when I first realized he was there. I have taken a sort of motherly role with him, making sure he is looked after and feeding him. He likes to find things deep in my mind that scare me and bring them to the surface. They are harmless things, like for example the angel statues from the new Doctor Who series if you know what that is. Those things scare me if I think about them when I am alone, so he likes to let me feel his presence nearby while at the same putting the image of one of them (or something else scary) into my head.

I usually only let him feed for a minute or two then I break out of the fear and go back to being my normal loving self. At first it was challenging to get him to stop feeding, but he has gotten much better at stopping when I tell him to. He really is like a child to me in many ways.

He has never spoken to me or shared any name with me, so I simply call him “My monster” which he seems to enjoy. Having him around has been a wonderful experience for me, and I hope that I can help him to grow and know love.

So many fear feeding entities scare people away or get attacked by people so much that they just recess into the fear and live most of their existence attacking people to frighten them and feed from them. All they know is fighting and feeding and they lose touch with the rest of themselves. I try to help them when they come to me by showing them that there is love and that they can be loved if they allow themselves to be.

Unfortunately it takes a lot of strength to stand ground with one of them and communicate without retaliating or fleeing as most people do. Even then, nearly all of them just go back to their old ways once I let them go. I just hope that something I show them stays with them and that maybe eventually it will help them out of their darkness.

I want my monster to have a better life than that. I want him to be a fully rounded individual not defined by what he eats, but by who he is. It sometimes is challenging to actually feel fear with him because I have so much love for him, but he manages to find his ways. So here is hoping that I can help him and most of all that he lives a wonderful life.

I love you, my monster.


Identifying as a succubus has always been a hard way to live. I now hide mostly behind the anonymity of the internet when I admit what I am. Very few people who currently know me in person as a human know what I really am.

This simple bit of information frightens people, and frightened people usually react by doing whatever they can to make themselves feel like they have power over me. This manifests as rejection, ridicule, anger, even hatred. As an empath and a being of love, these things are very difficult for me to handle. I just want to shut out the world and cry in a corner. As a warrior, I want to fight the thing that makes people feel this way, but there is nothing to fight, at least nothing tangible.

Of course I face these same problems online, but it is usually much easier to block them out in this setting. I could just concede and hide my true nature from everyone to make them feel better, but I need some outlet. I need to feel like I am doing something in defense of others like me facing the same problems. So, here I am.

I found this community of people in relationships with people like me. They call them sex spirits or spiritual lovers or whatever, but I have come to know them as being very similar to me. I have even had the pleasure of starting to communicate with one of these spirits recently, though our communication is very limited and our contact not very frequent. I also feel that the other succubi that I know (my direct spiritual family – mother and a couple sisters) are similar to these spirits as well.

In this community, I have seen many people sharing their thoughts and experiences with each other. It inspired me to become a part of it and even to start this blog where I can share my own thoughts and experiences. It has been a wonderful experience for me, at least until today.

Today, I got hit by the all too familiar feeling of rejection. There is a community site where a few of the people I have come to respect and one I have even gotten to know and love as a friend have openly recommended as a great place to join. (I will not mention the name of the site.) When I asked my friend about it, he indicated I would enjoy it there. So, I applied.

The application process involved a series of questions which I spent a good amount of time answering, being as open and sharing as possible. Afterwards, I anxiously waited several days for a reply from the site moderator. Today, I finally received that reply.

My application was rejected. The reason stated (paraphrased) is that I am not in a current relationship with a spirit lover. Apparently, that is an unstated requirement for being part of the community. I thought I found a place where I might actually fit in, a place where people might actually accept me even knowing what I am. All I got was another rejection – another person afraid of me for whatever reason.

Of course I should be used to all of this by now. It shouldn’t affect me anymore, and usually it doesn’t, but for some reason I invested myself in this one. I don’t really know why I did, but I did. So now I just feel awful. It is like there is some special place that I want to be, and my friends are there, but I am not invited.

I guess I am just feeling like the hope I have been building up since I discovered this new community of wonderful people finally reached a breaking point. Now I just feel lost again.

Sorry that this post is full of disappointment and self-pity. It is not my normal way of being, but it is how I feel today. I am forever an outcast.

Floating Islands

I have often considered the idea that many of the fantasy worlds that have been created by many writers in this world are drawn heavily from alternate life impressions. (Impressions are like the leftover effects of a memory that is no longer accessible.)

I believe we incarnate into many lives, most of which are not in the same plane as the one we are living here. Some of these planes are close enough to this one that we can retain impressions from them in our minds in this life. There is one in particular for me that I seem to have the most pieces of memories for. I think of it as the world with floating islands.

This other world seems very similar to ours in most ways (or perhaps that is only how I interpret it with this brain). The main differences are that there are a few islands floating in the sky in a couple of places and one of the humanoid races that live there have wings and can fly. I was a member of that race in the life I remember there.

In that life, I was a guardian of and a lover to a great queen. I spent nearly my entire life at her side as her warrior, supporting her, loving her and protecting her from harm. Our life together was often hard; there were many problems and many painful times. However, my queen was loved by her people and treated them well.

Honestly, I remember the good times much more easily than the bad times. I think that is the way memories should be. I also have vague memories of battles I fought and of other members of my queen’s personal guard, but most of my memories are about my queen. I was completely devoted and loyal to her in every way.

I was polyamorous as I am now, but I would have done anything for my queen. Though she never did, if she would have asked me to leave one of my lovers I would have done so in an instant. The pain of it would have been nothing compared to the pain of disappointing her. I can never remember such a time in all of my memories where I was so fiercely dedicated to a single person that I would have hurt others that I care about for them. Thankfully, she never asked me to (unless I have blocked out the memory of it).

In public, my queen treated me the same as any other member of her court. She treated everyone in the kingdom fairly and made decisions with a wisdom that inspired awe. In private, she was a passionate lover – usually dominant, sometimes submissive, sometimes neither. We both enjoyed the pleasures and the pains that we shared.

The reason I have so much memory of that life is because I have had the amazing opportunity to meet my queen again in this life. I met her online, and despite her not being at all related to royalty in this life, I was compelled by some internal force to call her my queen. We bonded very quickly, and both of us began to recall memories of our life together.

Unfortunately, our lives now are not the same as they were then, and she ended up pushing me away from her for reasons I will not go into. She did not completely push me away, but she put a barrier between us that kept us at a bit of a distance.

She later let me come a little bit closer again and she adopted me as her daughter. Her and her closest lover became my mothers (and still are). Though the circumstances of this life are not what they were in our other life, we still remain somewhat close. We will always be connected.

I will always remember flying and the floating islands. Most of all, I will always remember our life together.

I love you, mother.