This is something that has been on my mind a while and causing me some internal conflict. So, I am just going to dump it all out here and see if it helps.
I am succubus, and as such I have a basic need to draw energy through sex and lust. I am also a polyamorous lover with several lovers, all of whom are my primary reason for living. My lovers are all more than happy to feed my hunger for sexual energy, but I have always had a hard time drawing any energy from lovers. We frequently have the most amazing sex I could ever imagine, and I would not trade those experiences for any other. My loves are all so amazing to me and fulfill my life in so many ways.
The problem I face is that the only time I can really feed and satisfy my succubus side is with strangers or people I am not very close to. Despite the fact that sex with strangers is usually not a very fulfilling experience sexually, it really does satiate my hunger. When I make a lover orgasm, I am filled with happiness and love, but when I make a stranger cum, I am relieved of my hunger and filled with energy. For some reason, I am not able to get both from the same source.
It started out as me not wanting to feed on lovers for fear of harming them. I later realized of course that my feeding does not really do any permanent damage to anyone, and became more willing to do it with lovers. The problem I found was that I was not able to do so even when I wanted to. This led me to the situation I am in now…
My work life has been very busy lately, and I have not had much time or energy for personal matters. I try to spend time with my lovers whenever I can, but usually I am completely exhausted and can do little more than lay beside them and talk for a bit before falling asleep. However, I still need to feed, so I have been going online and feeding on random strangers. Basically, I am making strangers cum and not my lovers. I feel as though I am neglecting my loves while at the same time basically sleeping around with people I don’t even know.
My lovers are very caring, patient and understanding, but I know they need me sexually. They try things and I want to participate, but the only time I usually see them is when I am going to bed and completely exhausted. Meanwhile, I am going and having sex with random people online. (It is just virtual sex, but it is enough for me to connect and feed. Most of my lovers are also online.)
So, how do I justify being too tired for sex with the people I care the most for while still seemingly able to find energy to have sex with strangers? This is the conflict I am having with myself. I am not sure what to do about it or how to handle it.
I don’t expect anything from anyone reading this. I just wanted to get it out to see if it helps (and also to write something on this blog which I have been neglecting). I wish the best to all of you, and I will be back with more the next time I am inspired to write.
Strangers…there is a certain excitement with strangers but I think that excitement stems from the unknown, a bit of a fear factor, whereas in reality about 90-95% of stranger encounters are in my opinion disappointing and unfulfilling, empty actions. And those few percentages that are exciting rarely are worth all the combined effort to reach those few. I write this because I have experienced both sides of her struggle, the unknown and also the comfort and depth of a lover because I am her lover. There is a certain mystery and intrigue in learning about someone new, discovering them, their past, what connections you might have with them but as I get older I find more and more comfort in the arms of those I love, the excitement I find with them is what I want and need. I am not a succubus and my needs are different, but my heart and love are the same and I seek my lover.
You are right that more than 90% of the encounters are disappointing and sexually unfulfilling. I also would rather be with lovers, but there is some sort of blocker that prevents me from being able to feed on lovers the way I can with strangers. I wish that I understood it better so that I might find a way past it, and hopefully I will in time.
Oh darling, to me it’s pretty simple. Think of it as food. To much on one thing and you spoil your body to a certain type of nutrient. Eat bagels for weeks strait, and soon you’ll tire of it and desire some other source of food that your body needs and isn’t getting.
I know this, it happens to me also, my lovely. I wouldn’t fret to much about it, so long as you explain whats going on to your lovers. If they love you, they’ll understand. Never force it and your hunger for them will return.