Identifying as a succubus has always been a hard way to live. I now hide mostly behind the anonymity of the internet when I admit what I am. Very few people who currently know me in person as a human know what I really am.
This simple bit of information frightens people, and frightened people usually react by doing whatever they can to make themselves feel like they have power over me. This manifests as rejection, ridicule, anger, even hatred. As an empath and a being of love, these things are very difficult for me to handle. I just want to shut out the world and cry in a corner. As a warrior, I want to fight the thing that makes people feel this way, but there is nothing to fight, at least nothing tangible.
Of course I face these same problems online, but it is usually much easier to block them out in this setting. I could just concede and hide my true nature from everyone to make them feel better, but I need some outlet. I need to feel like I am doing something in defense of others like me facing the same problems. So, here I am.
I found this community of people in relationships with people like me. They call them sex spirits or spiritual lovers or whatever, but I have come to know them as being very similar to me. I have even had the pleasure of starting to communicate with one of these spirits recently, though our communication is very limited and our contact not very frequent. I also feel that the other succubi that I know (my direct spiritual family – mother and a couple sisters) are similar to these spirits as well.
In this community, I have seen many people sharing their thoughts and experiences with each other. It inspired me to become a part of it and even to start this blog where I can share my own thoughts and experiences. It has been a wonderful experience for me, at least until today.
Today, I got hit by the all too familiar feeling of rejection. There is a community site where a few of the people I have come to respect and one I have even gotten to know and love as a friend have openly recommended as a great place to join. (I will not mention the name of the site.) When I asked my friend about it, he indicated I would enjoy it there. So, I applied.
The application process involved a series of questions which I spent a good amount of time answering, being as open and sharing as possible. Afterwards, I anxiously waited several days for a reply from the site moderator. Today, I finally received that reply.
My application was rejected. The reason stated (paraphrased) is that I am not in a current relationship with a spirit lover. Apparently, that is an unstated requirement for being part of the community. I thought I found a place where I might actually fit in, a place where people might actually accept me even knowing what I am. All I got was another rejection – another person afraid of me for whatever reason.
Of course I should be used to all of this by now. It shouldn’t affect me anymore, and usually it doesn’t, but for some reason I invested myself in this one. I don’t really know why I did, but I did. So now I just feel awful. It is like there is some special place that I want to be, and my friends are there, but I am not invited.
I guess I am just feeling like the hope I have been building up since I discovered this new community of wonderful people finally reached a breaking point. Now I just feel lost again.
Sorry that this post is full of disappointment and self-pity. It is not my normal way of being, but it is how I feel today. I am forever an outcast.